The big day! I've waited 20 weeks to find out if the little bean is a boy or girl. Longest wait ever. I took most of the day off of work for it. I wanted the day to be special and just me and Kevin. He took the whole day. He picked me up from work and got me some Twizzlers. His co-worker said that sugar makes the baby move and we needed the little one moving so we would definitely know the sex. I was really nervous when we got to the doctor's office for the ultrasound. We had a little bit of a wait, but not too bad. I got on the table and she started moving the wand around my belly and showing us the baby. She pointed out the head and face, then she measured the brain and showed us the kidneys (which we couldn't really see). She moved on to look at the heart and checked the abdomen. Then she asked us if we wanted to know the sex. We both said yes so she moved to find out. And it was VERY clear when she got there. It's a boy. And he wasn't shy about it at all. I started to cry. And Kevin took my hand. I tried to hide the fact that I was disappointed. I had such strong feelings that I was having a girl, I was sure that she was in there. Any women who tells you she doesn't care what she's having is lying. I think every mom has a small idea of what they what. I'm not going to feel guilty about having gender disappointment either. I really thought the universe had told me before the ultrasound it was a girl. It's funny, I wanted boys until I got pregnant. I wanted the chance to raise some gentlemen, something I feel the world is seriously lacking. I get a boy, and I immediately get intimidated. I don't know anything about boys. They have parts I don't know how to take care of, they like different things. How will I relate to a boy? How will be bond? I'm not super athletic, what if he is? I like crafts and dancing and dressing up. He might not like any of those things, which is ok. He's going to be his own person. He already has so much personality and he's not even born yet. He was wiggling so much during the ultrasound, she had a hard time getting good pictures of him. I softly cried the rest of the ultrasound as she continued checking and measuring everything. I felt really guilty that I wasn't happy, but I just couldn't help it. Then, just before she was finished, he flattened his hand right against the probe and waved at us. My heart sank. I was a horrible mom again. Here was this little baby, so excited to be looked at, so ready to be loved and I was upset because it was a he instead of a she. I started crying more. He was healthy and strong, what every parent wishes for. What was my problem? I was a mess when we left the ultrasound. I had a doctor's appointment too so I had to sit in the car and compose myself before we went to that. Kevin tried to make me feel better but it didn't work. I was just a sobbing, guilty, hot mess of emotions. When we saw the midwife, she knew right away what the problem was. She tried to make me feel better, but it didn't work.
On the way home, Kevin suggested that we go to Babies R Us and continue registering. We had only registered for a few things that weren't gender specific to get started. Now, we could register for anything. I thought it might help to pick things out for our little boy. Shopping always makes me feel better. We found some really cute boy clothes and I started to remember that I liked shopping for Kevin's clothes more than my own. He said "you can shop the same way for the baby. They just wear a smaller size." It helped. I started to get more excited about the little boy that I was going to meet.
I called my mom, dad and aunt to tell them the news when we got home. My dad said that the little guy would play football and basketball but not wrestling, because it ruins your knees. My uncle said he was ready to have a new hunting and fishing buddy. My mom and aunt were excited for anything. It all helped me get things in perspective.
I'm sure that people will judge me for being disappointed. Those people have either never been in the situation or are just lying to themselves. I know there are other women out there who where disappointed one way or the other. Deep down, everyone has a preference. I also know that that disappointment is completely forgotten the second you see your baby for the first time. I've been told that as well. I know that will happen with me.
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